Good Habits Make for Good Communication
When we think about the best way to communicate with other people, the simplest way to look at is to put ourselves in their shoes. This is the Golden Rule of communication.
When you put yourself in your audience’s place, you can imagine yourself asking questions like “What are you specifically asking me to do?” and “Why should I care?” You’re looking for empathy, and not just specificity.
Good communication skills are habits as much as anything. Many people have written about the power of good habits, from Benjamin Franklin and Stephen Covey to Marie Kondo. Today on the radio, I heard an interview with Gretchen Rubin, whose new book is The Four Tendencies. What I like about her take on it is that while good habits are a key to success and happiness, there is no one strategy that works for everybody. What it takes to motivate you depends on your nature and your personality. Some people need outside demands to meet their deadlines. Other people need to convince themselves that a job is not only worth doing, it’s worth getting started on now.
Rubin used the example of everybody’s favorite New Year’s resolution: “I will get more exercise.” Some people (“obligers” and “upholders”) need to make commitments to others, commitments that they feel obliged to live up to. These might be commitments to a running partner, or a personal trainer, or even your dog. But on those days where living up to your good intentions is a fifty-fifty proposition, the presence of others tips your behavior over into compliance.
There are other people (“questioners”) who can’t be shamed into doing anything. But once they’ve convinced themselves it's a good idea, they can be counted on to deliver. And finally there are the counter-dependent (“rebels”). These are the people who really only get motivated when somebody tells them “It can’t be done” or “You don’t have what it takes.” For them, the word “no” isn’t anything more than a challenge.
But overall, the message is that there is no single way to motivate people. You have to connect with people and understand what motivates them at a personal level. But when you’re addressing a group, or even a person you don’t know well, this can be difficult.
Here’s where good habits come in. Having certain good habits of communication will increase your odds of connecting with all the different personality types. Let's look at it using a framework developed by Insight Experience, of Concord MA:
Somebody else might need a different mix of messages and motivations. But understanding what’s going to work for me was the first step in just getting started.
When you put yourself in your audience’s place, you can imagine yourself asking questions like “What are you specifically asking me to do?” and “Why should I care?” You’re looking for empathy, and not just specificity.
Good communication skills are habits as much as anything. Many people have written about the power of good habits, from Benjamin Franklin and Stephen Covey to Marie Kondo. Today on the radio, I heard an interview with Gretchen Rubin, whose new book is The Four Tendencies. What I like about her take on it is that while good habits are a key to success and happiness, there is no one strategy that works for everybody. What it takes to motivate you depends on your nature and your personality. Some people need outside demands to meet their deadlines. Other people need to convince themselves that a job is not only worth doing, it’s worth getting started on now.
Rubin used the example of everybody’s favorite New Year’s resolution: “I will get more exercise.” Some people (“obligers” and “upholders”) need to make commitments to others, commitments that they feel obliged to live up to. These might be commitments to a running partner, or a personal trainer, or even your dog. But on those days where living up to your good intentions is a fifty-fifty proposition, the presence of others tips your behavior over into compliance.
There are other people (“questioners”) who can’t be shamed into doing anything. But once they’ve convinced themselves it's a good idea, they can be counted on to deliver. And finally there are the counter-dependent (“rebels”). These are the people who really only get motivated when somebody tells them “It can’t be done” or “You don’t have what it takes.” For them, the word “no” isn’t anything more than a challenge.
But overall, the message is that there is no single way to motivate people. You have to connect with people and understand what motivates them at a personal level. But when you’re addressing a group, or even a person you don’t know well, this can be difficult.
Here’s where good habits come in. Having certain good habits of communication will increase your odds of connecting with all the different personality types. Let's look at it using a framework developed by Insight Experience, of Concord MA:
- Context and Content: While it’s always important for people to understand what you are telling them, for internally motivated people, you also need to put things in context. If you don’t explain the “why” and the same time as the “what”, they’ll never buy in.
- Consistency: Since many communications fall in the gray area between suggestion and instruction, it matters whether the listener believes that what you’re saying stands on more solid ground than just “because I said so.” Does the answer address the problem? Are you walking the talk? Is today’s request going to be passé by tomorrow?
- Accountability: Everybody needs to be clear on what you’re asking. I’ve had the experience as a tourist, speaking a second language, where I thought I was being clear and straightforward. But when the wrong food arrived at the table, it was clear I wasn’t. It’s too easy for people to seem to agree. Until you get down to the nuts and bolts of what they’re going to do, you’ve just been chatting but not getting anything done.
- Spirit: How we communicate isn’t limited to just what we say. How we connect can be as important as what we say. In the movies at least, the great motivation speeches always include some acknowledgement of just how difficult a challenge might be. Empathy greases the skids of authority.
Somebody else might need a different mix of messages and motivations. But understanding what’s going to work for me was the first step in just getting started.
February 13, 2018