Resilience
Setbacks really suck. At work, in love, with our health, they all hurt. So how do we get back on our feet? Where do we find resilience?
We’ve all had to deal with a broken heart. And I suspect most people in my generation have, at one point or another, found themselves alone in the car, driving at high speeds with the windows down, belting out “I will survive,” with backup vocals by Gloria Gaynor.
Even when we don’t feel like singing, most of us have a couple of go-to songs that we like to play, songs that help us deal with the struggles and setbacks of life. For some people, it’s Fred Astaire’s singing “Pick Yourself Up.” For another set of people, it could be “Tubthumping” by Chumbawumba (“I get knocked down, but I get up again…”).
Crowdsourcing my research.
To do some research, I asked everybody who sees my Facebook page what music they put on when they need to pick themselves up. Specifically, what was their “favorite resilience song.” I wanted to see if there were recurring themes, if there were a handful of standard approaches people had for giving themselves a big shot of support. I got almost sixty responses.
Of course my survey has sample bias problems. The majority of answers came from late baby boomers like me. My social circle has disproportionately many people who like show tunes, and disproportionately few who like hip-hop. I can’t say whether everybody out there has a resilience song, or if I only got responses from the type of person who does.
I did learn, though, that I was not alone. Lots of people are just like me, and they’ve got songs that help them pick themselves up, dust themselves up, and start all over again. Interestingly, some common themes kept coming up.
Things we hear from our playlists.
I’ll get back up. I’ve done this before.
It’s hard to be rational when your feelings are hurt. But it’s objectively true that you won’t always feel the way you’re feeling after you’ve been hit. And it’s objectively true that you’ve recovered from setbacks in the past. Reminding yourself of this can be just what your bruised ego needs to put things in perspective.
Don’t underestimate me.
Nobody likes being belittled, especially when it’s because you’re a woman, or gay, or young, or whatever. But when you can find strength in the very thing that others are assuming works against you, you don’t just have inner resources, you’ve got allies.
I won’t let you see me hurting.
Although this seems self-pitying, it is really more about taking control again. You might be at a point where you are still suffering, but you can take the first step of getting away from the people who hurt you.
Your rejection just makes me stronger.
It was Nietzsche who said “What does not kill him makes him stronger.” That thought has been set to music dozens of times, most recently by Kelly Clarkson. There is a stubborn optimism underlying this theme. Not only do you expect to survive this setback; you expect to be even more capable than ever once you’re back. Believing it, you make it more like to become true.
I know there are people there to help me.
Remembering this underscores two things. First, you’re not alone, and that other people are going to be there to help you. More profoundly, it reminds you that you are worthy of their support. These people are giving you equal amounts of help and affirmation.
I’m going to win.
The best way to get past a loss is with an even bigger win. Focusing on winning pulls together three threads: It shores up your ego, to get you going. It stands up to the people who hurt you, to let them know that they can’t hold you down. And it focuses you on the future, to get you started on doing something rather than just feeling sorry for yourself.
There was no single type of resilience song. Some are fast and loud, others are quiet and intense. Some of them convey encouragement, others make assertions of defiance. Collectively, though, they give a sense of what we need to hear when we’ve been knocked down.
The stages of resilience.
Just as Elisabeth Kubler-Ross enumerated the five stages of grief, my musical analysis makes me think there are, perhaps, five stages of resilience:
Acknowledgement. It takes a while, sometimes, to even admit to yourself that you’ve gotten hurt, that you’ve suffered a setback. But just telling yourself “I’m fine” doesn’t lead you to make any changes. If you’ve actually suffered a setback, but you don’t acknowledge it, you’re never going to make the changes that help you get better.
Affirmation. Here’s where the music comes in. So many of the songs that people told me about were ones that reminded them that they were tough, that they could handle whatever just got thrown at them. They reminded them that they had friends. They reminded them that they’ve done this before and they can do it again.
Anger. Especially after a bad breakup, it’s healthy to be a little angry. Anger is a fuel that’s potentially explosive if badly handled, but powerful when wisely used. Being angry at the people who hurt you is an important step in reasserting control over your own life. It’s a necessary step when you’re ready to stop being a victim.
Ambition. Now, looking to the future, you can start making plans. Close in, you can decide what your first steps are going to be. And looking farther out, you can start imagining future success and future happiness. Finally you’ve gotten to the point where you’re not dwelling on the past or stuck in a miserable present. Once you’re looking at the future, you’re finally moving again.
Action. At some point you turn off the car radio, you stop singing, and you get down to work. And if you do have music on, it’s a different playlist than the ones we’ve been talking about here.
Do whatever works.
Despite everything I just said, there is no one recipe for resilience. My quick survey convinced me that there are some common themes, and there are some stages that happen before others. I was happy to see that I’m not the only person who has pick-me-up songs on file, ready to be put to use when the need arises.
Whatever the soundtrack in your head is, if it works for you it’s good. You just might find you get what you need. We get by with a little help from our friends. We are the champions.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
We’ve all had to deal with a broken heart. And I suspect most people in my generation have, at one point or another, found themselves alone in the car, driving at high speeds with the windows down, belting out “I will survive,” with backup vocals by Gloria Gaynor.
Even when we don’t feel like singing, most of us have a couple of go-to songs that we like to play, songs that help us deal with the struggles and setbacks of life. For some people, it’s Fred Astaire’s singing “Pick Yourself Up.” For another set of people, it could be “Tubthumping” by Chumbawumba (“I get knocked down, but I get up again…”).
Crowdsourcing my research.
To do some research, I asked everybody who sees my Facebook page what music they put on when they need to pick themselves up. Specifically, what was their “favorite resilience song.” I wanted to see if there were recurring themes, if there were a handful of standard approaches people had for giving themselves a big shot of support. I got almost sixty responses.
Of course my survey has sample bias problems. The majority of answers came from late baby boomers like me. My social circle has disproportionately many people who like show tunes, and disproportionately few who like hip-hop. I can’t say whether everybody out there has a resilience song, or if I only got responses from the type of person who does.
I did learn, though, that I was not alone. Lots of people are just like me, and they’ve got songs that help them pick themselves up, dust themselves up, and start all over again. Interestingly, some common themes kept coming up.
Things we hear from our playlists.
I’ll get back up. I’ve done this before.
It’s hard to be rational when your feelings are hurt. But it’s objectively true that you won’t always feel the way you’re feeling after you’ve been hit. And it’s objectively true that you’ve recovered from setbacks in the past. Reminding yourself of this can be just what your bruised ego needs to put things in perspective.
Don’t underestimate me.
Nobody likes being belittled, especially when it’s because you’re a woman, or gay, or young, or whatever. But when you can find strength in the very thing that others are assuming works against you, you don’t just have inner resources, you’ve got allies.
I won’t let you see me hurting.
Although this seems self-pitying, it is really more about taking control again. You might be at a point where you are still suffering, but you can take the first step of getting away from the people who hurt you.
Your rejection just makes me stronger.
It was Nietzsche who said “What does not kill him makes him stronger.” That thought has been set to music dozens of times, most recently by Kelly Clarkson. There is a stubborn optimism underlying this theme. Not only do you expect to survive this setback; you expect to be even more capable than ever once you’re back. Believing it, you make it more like to become true.
I know there are people there to help me.
Remembering this underscores two things. First, you’re not alone, and that other people are going to be there to help you. More profoundly, it reminds you that you are worthy of their support. These people are giving you equal amounts of help and affirmation.
I’m going to win.
The best way to get past a loss is with an even bigger win. Focusing on winning pulls together three threads: It shores up your ego, to get you going. It stands up to the people who hurt you, to let them know that they can’t hold you down. And it focuses you on the future, to get you started on doing something rather than just feeling sorry for yourself.
There was no single type of resilience song. Some are fast and loud, others are quiet and intense. Some of them convey encouragement, others make assertions of defiance. Collectively, though, they give a sense of what we need to hear when we’ve been knocked down.
The stages of resilience.
Just as Elisabeth Kubler-Ross enumerated the five stages of grief, my musical analysis makes me think there are, perhaps, five stages of resilience:
Acknowledgement. It takes a while, sometimes, to even admit to yourself that you’ve gotten hurt, that you’ve suffered a setback. But just telling yourself “I’m fine” doesn’t lead you to make any changes. If you’ve actually suffered a setback, but you don’t acknowledge it, you’re never going to make the changes that help you get better.
Affirmation. Here’s where the music comes in. So many of the songs that people told me about were ones that reminded them that they were tough, that they could handle whatever just got thrown at them. They reminded them that they had friends. They reminded them that they’ve done this before and they can do it again.
Anger. Especially after a bad breakup, it’s healthy to be a little angry. Anger is a fuel that’s potentially explosive if badly handled, but powerful when wisely used. Being angry at the people who hurt you is an important step in reasserting control over your own life. It’s a necessary step when you’re ready to stop being a victim.
Ambition. Now, looking to the future, you can start making plans. Close in, you can decide what your first steps are going to be. And looking farther out, you can start imagining future success and future happiness. Finally you’ve gotten to the point where you’re not dwelling on the past or stuck in a miserable present. Once you’re looking at the future, you’re finally moving again.
Action. At some point you turn off the car radio, you stop singing, and you get down to work. And if you do have music on, it’s a different playlist than the ones we’ve been talking about here.
Do whatever works.
Despite everything I just said, there is no one recipe for resilience. My quick survey convinced me that there are some common themes, and there are some stages that happen before others. I was happy to see that I’m not the only person who has pick-me-up songs on file, ready to be put to use when the need arises.
Whatever the soundtrack in your head is, if it works for you it’s good. You just might find you get what you need. We get by with a little help from our friends. We are the champions.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
February 7, 2019